I loved her

I have been trying to find courage to say something to her.Its been months now that I have tried. I have tried a thousand times or may be more ,in front of mirror,but when she comes in front,I find myself running out for words.Even I shiver to say a hi.I had met this girl at the bus stop.Its been an year now that I am seeing her everyday.
She studies at a college next to mine.From last year on,I have been very punctual to college ,hang around till 5 in the college so that I can go along with her in the same bus.At first I was shy to talk,it was she who came to me and did all the talking.She was very talkative and her family was close to me through her words even though I never saw anyone of them.So she initiated and I carried on and unknowingly she was becoming close to my heart.I dont know if she has the same feeling for me,but I think she just takes me as her friend,so what if she denies my proposal.So now I decide its better I keep my mouth shut and carry on the"friendship".

I got myself dressed up for another day at bus stop.I am finding it hard to keep acting in front of her,but I thought I would carry on.She came in time and wished me good morning.I greeted her too.She asked me, "could you please bunk an hour for me and be at the coffee shop at 4.I need to talk to you something important?".I said "why not".I was getting excited,may be she is going to break the ice,maybe she knows whats in my heart me.May be she would look into my eyes and say that she loves me.

I was at coffee shop waiting for her from 3,may be she might come early and would have to wait.It was a long wait,but I felt my patience would pay me handsome..She said"hello ,so you reached at 4, I had a bit of work so a bit late,hope you wont mind".I said," I just reached now".I didnt want her to feel awkward with my promptness.She started "You know what , there is a proposal for me in the air,He is our family friend and my parents are probably gonna fix the marriage.I know you are feeling awkward by the way am just starting to talk,but I got none else who can get me a solution".I loved her openness that she was showing and the way she trusted me, but Oh dear she was having a proposal and I was thinking she would propose me.Why do I feel my heart jerking.I dont know,but I preferred listening to her.She continued," But you know ,I just cant do that, I just cant marry some one whom I dont know much about,whom maybe I am gonna just meet a week or month before marriage.Moreover am committed to someone." Ohh I was saying to myself ,"let my ears be taken off",already she was talking about proposal and now she is committed to someone.I started swearing myself for the time I wasted in front of mirror,Had I spent 5 more minutes n front of books,I would have cleared my maths paper last time.She kept carrying on,"He is my classmate,my parents know him.But the problem is they never expect me to fall in such a relationship,but still they are very open and wouldnt mind the proposal if they are convinced".I asked her, "what am I to do?".She said "you need to talk to the guy whom I would be engaged with".

My shock absorbers were too strained ,I said,"what!!! he is your family friend and is a stranger to me,how am I gonna tell him that you love someone and move out off the marriage".She said "I just need you along with me and give a start,then I will talk to him".I said ok,even though the whole stuff seemed awkward to me, and moved to the bus stop and back to home.I just went off after getting down the bus,didnt even bother to say a bye to her.It was a painful night,I felt I was losing my grounds and all emotions felt rolling over me.

Next morning I got up fresh and got ready for another day at college.I was pretending as if nothing has happened and was making an unsuccessful attempt to forget my feelings for her. The day went on as usual and almost around noon, I had call from my uncle that my dad was hospitalized.I ran off to the hospital.That old chest pain of his has again brought him back to trouble and this time surgery was inevitable.Last time we had canceled the surgery due to financial concern,mine was a poor family and we could never have afforded the cost,we didnt even have our own house,it was rented and even my dad's pension was very meager who was a peon at a school.So selling off whatever we had,we dug out the money for surgery and thank god it was successful.He was brought back home and was asked to take rest for atleast two months.

While in the hospital she had come to see my dad and I introduced her to my mom and dad as one of my classmates,I was in no real mood to talk to her as there were far serious issues that needed solution ,so I was really unaware about what was happening at her end.It was a Monday and I would be back at college after a long leave.At the bus stop,I met her ,and asked about her happenings.She seemed dull and told engagement was going to be fixed and next week ,and that I would have to go with her to talk to him.I said ok even though was in no mood for such a thing, and went to college.Almost at 3pm,I got a call from my uncle asking me to rush to home. He didnt tel me the reason and so I set off immediately.I reached home,found a bunch of people at the gate,my uncle took me inside patting at my back with sadness shadowed over his face.I could see someone lying at the floor dressed in white and even the face was covered.I bent down on,moved the cloth of the face,and remained frozen..My father is no more.

Its a tendency that ,when someone close to our hearts pass away, we recall those moments where we have either defied or done something negative against them.I remember those days when he had advised me to study when I used to roam around.I never understood or never tried to ,what he said.I never understood my responsibilities.I never understood my father.I find my conscience pricking ,but I find its too late.Atleast now my eyes had to open.I was the only son,now my mom is alone and none to look after us.After 2 more months,I would pass out and I had to find a job immediately.Responsibilities were beckoning me for action and this time I cant say no.Romance never feeds the belly and I was knowing it better than ever.I was having a strong feeling for her even then, but I had more important works to do.She had come for the funeral and tried to console me all the time.My love was turning into more serious one which was augmented her care and concern that she showed when I really needed it.She was becoming close to me ,my feelings were getting stronger towards her,but realities kept pricking me of what was more important.The affinity seemed a painful reality,but separation would tear my heart out.

So the day has finally come.I was to go with her to meet the guy with whom she was supposed to get engaged.I knew how much I loved her,but I could no longer propose her,at least what was around me would never let me do it.It was a really an awkward role to play,but in life you does have to play roles that you never wanted to. We went to the city coffee shop where we were supposed to meet him.He came at time greeted us and I was starting to talk that she just began,"Rahul,I wanted to tel you something important, I am not ready for this marriage.......",she went on talking, she said she love someone else a lot who cares for her more than anyone.It was more like a poem that she was versing whose each stanza kept aching my heart.He was very friendly and wasnt much worried by what she told.Infact he thanked her for being frank and asked her who is the guy,she looked at me and told,"its him".Shock would be a word of much lower intensity to describe my feeling.I was frozen.He went off and I sat still.She could understand my shock.She looked into my eyes and told that she always knew that I had loved her.She told that her boyfriend had ditched her and it was me whom she thought the only person who loved her truly.She was all tears once she started explaining her emotions to me.I was so happy.The words I expected from her ,that I saw in my dreams where clinging at my ears.I pinched myself to know if it was a dream. I felt the pain.I wanted to tell her how much I loved her and I was winding up to tell what I felt for her.

"Hey dont be silly,hope you are in your senses,I am your friend and I am happy to remain so.I have never seen you beyond that and I never want to.Moreover I am not a waste dump that one day you come along and I would start loving you.I am really sorry and I would like to cut off our relations now and here ,since you took it in the wrong sense".My words shocked her and she moved off with tears and before she left ,she looked at my eyes and whispered,"I love you".I wasnt a good actor till then,but destiny has taught me to take up a new role,of that of a traitor who cheats his own heart.Life is so unexpected that you face situations which you always wanted to ,and when it comes,you respond the way you never wanted to.My feelings were all over me.I knew what I had spoken and what I really wanted to tell her.But fate and realities danced over my words.My eyes were filling up,I didnt cry even when my father died.But today,its that helplessness that makes me cry at heart.I love her with all my heart,may be more than anyone ever can,but....

Well months have passed, and now I have transplanted myself to a newer place.Fortunately I could clear my papers and if fortune favours,I would soon be joining a multinational company.My mom is happy now and am sure we would have a better life from now on.Today I just received a marriage invitation card.She was getting married .At the end ,she had written,"sorry for what I had told you,always your friend".I felt friendship seemed to be an excuse for love.I used it once and now she seems to be using it.But one thing is sure,I always wanted her to know,Once she realised it but later I mislead her,that my feelings for her were beyond words.The words that I wanted to whisper in her ears,engrave in her heart but couldnt and I would never be able to say again," I LOVE YOU".

Note:This is only a short story based on imagination and has no relation to anyone's life or incidents.